[Good laugh] Marketing with a hammer via I AM THE CLIENT!

Here it is then: Marketing With a Hammer.

A target audience will only be a target audience for as long as you consider it a target audience. The rest of the time, they’re just cuntspanners like everyone else.

Build it and they will come, as long as what you’re building has something free or deep fried or with its tits out.

A good idea usually appears to be a bad idea, until you do it and it works. The lesson? Pursue bad ideas like Madonna pursues latino underwear models.

They will tell you that it can’t be done. And if you’re trying to do a tasteful retail ad, they’re right. Stop fucking about, get your head out of your cackshoot and make the price flash much, much bigger.

The agency of the future is already history. I have no clue – none whatsoever – what that means, but I am absolutely convinced that some cunt-clacker somewhere, probably one in a planning department in Soho, wearing unimaginable trousers and hair that belongs in a psychiatric ward, has said it, believed it and tried to shove it down the throat of a client who just wants to get pissed for crying out loud.

A campaign needs three lives. The first to survive the creative who wrote it, a second to survive the creative director and a third to survive the account team. That’s why, when it gets to me, it has run out of lives and MUST BE DESTROYED ON PRINCIPLE.

Designers believe that the ability to operate a Mac combined with the ownership of 15,000 typefaces equals talent. It does not. It equals 30 quid an hour.

The world is full of dreamers because the night is full of dreams. Or, to rephrase…er…yeah. Let me see. The world is full of dreamers…er…hmm. Look, I’ll be hones: I’ve overstretched myself with that one. Let’s move on.

Bristolas, product name in the headline, big price flash. This is the holy trinity of advertising. Do it any other way and you might as well stick your advertising budget right up your fucking dickybox. (That felt like more familiar ground.)

That’s enough Marketing With a Hammer for now. There will be more. And it will be similarly amazing.

Why? Because I AM THE CLIENT!


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